A young woman was on vacation in the depths of Louisianna. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the woman shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the woman turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the woman flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out,
"Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
Another woman, new to boating, was having a problem. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't get her brand new 22-ft. runabout to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power she applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a nearby marina maybe they could tell her what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath.
He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place was the trailer.
A pirate was talking to a "land-lubber" in a bar. The land-lubber noticed that, like any self-respecting pirate, this guy had a peg leg, a hook in place of one of his hands and a patch over one eye. The land-lubber just had to find out how the pirate got in such bad shape. He asked the pirate, "How did you loose your leg?" The pirate responded, "I lost me leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaica!" His new acquaintance was still curious so he asked, "What about your hand. Did you loose it at the same time?" "No," answered the pirate. "I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys." Finally, the land-lubber asked, "I notice you also have an eye patch. How did you loose your eye?" The pirate answered, "I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew over and crapped right in me eye." The land-lubber asked, "How could a little seagull crap make you loose your eye?" The pirate snapped, "It was the day after I got me hook!"
This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation between a U.S. Navy vessel with Canadian authorities off Newfoundland in October, 1995. The radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on October 10, 1995: Americans: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid collision." Canadians: "Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to avoid collision." Americans: "This is the Captain of a U.S. Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course." Canadians: "NO, I say again, divert YOUR course." Americans: "THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE-FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP." Canadians: "This is a lighthouse. Your call!"
A Mariner was out in a rowboat with his wife when she fell overboard. Despite his best efforts, he couldn't find her, so he rowed back home. Next day, his friend showed up at the dock and said, "Clyde, I found your wife. She got tangled up in my crab traps and she's got thirty crabs sticking to her. What should I do?" "Quick, pull off the crabs and set her again!"
A lady on a cruise bought a parrot on an island stop
and took it back to the ship. After two days at sea the
lady found her new friend laying on its back - feet
pointed straight up.
She hailed the ship's doctor, "Please help my friend,"
wailed the lady. "I'm sorry the bird is quite dead"
said the doc. "No, no..it can't be", cried the lady.
The doctor called in his own pet, a Labrador retriever,
which sniffed the bird, shook his head and walked out.
Next, the doctor called in his cat which carefully
walked a circle around the bird and walked out.
"No doubt about it ", said the doctor, "That is a dead bird."
The doctor reached for his pen and pad. He wrote out a
bill and handed it to the lady. "Eight Hundred dollars!?"
cried the lady.
"Yes mam, your charges are for three procedures.
There is my opinion, a lab report and a cat scan.
Getting a new girlfriend is a little like joining the Navy. You clean up, get a haircut, new cloths and any important information will be given to you strictly on a need-to know basis.
The rich tycoon (James) bought a luxury yacht for his daughter (Kerrie) upon her graduation.
It was large and even had its own onboard pool. The tycoon dad brought the daughter aboard for the first time for a tour of the boat. The last thing to see was the pool.
All around the pool were shirtless ship construction workers finishing up some painting.
Kerrie clasped her hands and screeched, " Oh, daddy it's a wonderful pool and you've even stocked it for me!"